I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize