Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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