I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
