is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Two words: blizzard sex
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
