I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
