Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
