there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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