Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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