Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
