he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
