I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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