Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
