im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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