just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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