What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
