i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
