i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
