i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
