Ambien. No doubt about it.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
