Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
