my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
