We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
