Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
