I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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