True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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