i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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