Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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