so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize