addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
