I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Let's paint friendship bongs
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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