I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
