Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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