i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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