apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
