She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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