its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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