I want to make a zoo with you.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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