you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
