I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
