Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
