I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize