it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
