just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
