Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
