dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Sorry my hands just texted you
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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