haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
