Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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