I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
