I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
