Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
