hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
