I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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