Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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