"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
