The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
