yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
