Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
